I haven’t made a personal post since last year, so I figured I would make one. I need to vent anyway. I’m having a hard time wanting to stay sober. It’s been over a year and I don’t why, but I’m experiencing cravings on a daily basis. I want to get high. I mean, there are times that I feel like I need to get high. I don’t know what to do. I know what’s right, but I’m tired of this. I’m dealing with pressure from my family, everyone wants to see me remain sober and stay on the right track…it’s like my main focus has been trying to keep everyone except myself happy when what I would really like to do is just say fuck it. It’s not as easy for me to run off and do whatever I please anymore, though. I’ve got my daughter now. I need to remain normal, or do I? I’ve been struggling with temptation lately. I’ve been talking to some old friends and they’re getting their lives back together as well, but the problem is, seeing them is synonymous with getting high. I know a few of them still have connections, and I’ve talked to one of them about it. I think I’m going to get a little bit. I’ll call it quits afterward; although I can’t help but worry that if I get some I won’t quit when it’s gone and I’ll keep going. To be honest, I’m sick of waking up every fucking day and having to smile and act like everything is okay…”no, I wouldn’t ever go back to that. If it were sitting here in front of me right now, there’s no way I would do it again,” when in reality, if it were sitting in front of me right now, I would do every single fucking bit of it. I’m hoping that I’ll talk myself out of doing it again, but it’s not that simple and I don’t know that I’ll be able. I’m tired of feeling this way, and I’m tired of doing what’s right.
Hey, guys. I’m going to start posting regularly again. I probably still won’t post as often as I used to, but I’ll be able to get on here at least once or twice a week. I’m busy taking care of my daughter, so I’ll only be able to post when she allows me to do so, which will most likely only be when she takes a nap and that’s rare.
l figured I’d make a personal post since it’s been a few weeks since the last one, I’m 63 days sober now and I feel great. It’s getting easier to cope with everyday, and to be honest, I hardly think about using at all anymore. I still get occasional cravings, but they’re easy to fend off. Oh, and I’ve got other news too. I’ve known about this for awhile, but I haven’t posted about it yet…so anyway, I’m pregnant. I had my first appointment today and I had an ultrasound done; before I went in, I figured I was around 17 weeks, but it turns out I’m actually 18 weeks along. They were able to tell what I was having and it’s a girl, I’m due on the 16th of June. I also found out that the baby is healthy, she’s developing fine, which is relieving. - I nearly fainted when they weighed me today, I’m putting on weight like crazy. I guess it’s because I’ve hardly eaten anything in so long, so my body’s trying to compensate now that I’m eating like a normal human again. I’m not really happy with the weight I’ve gained, but I can’t deny that I’m definitely looking healthier. I’m at least starting to look less like a tweaker and more like a normal person, my face isn’t all sunken in anymore. I just hope that I can keep my weight gain to a minimum from here on out, it’s going to be hard because I’m having to deal with pregnancy cravings pretty often and I also seemed to have forgotten how much I love food while I was using. Anyway, that’s all for now.
I’ve officially been sober for thirty-seven days, it’s kind of hard to believe, because I used to never see myself quitting…but I guess it’s not really hard to convince yourself to quit when you nearly lose everything you’ve ever loved or cared for because of it. I had just never hit rock bottom before now, I thought I had, but I hadn’t. I nearly went to prison and our house is quarantined and anything we left in the house the day we left was stolen…I guess all of this is what you get when you think you have friends you can trust; then again, if it weren’t for a good friend, I would be in prison right now. Honestly, I’m content with my sobriety…if anything it’s offered nothing but clarity, something of which I thought I had when I was fucked up all the time. I mistook chemically induced happiness for true happiness and that was a mistake. - I don’t care if I ever see meth again, I really don’t…and if you would have told me about a month and a half ago that I would feel this way, I would have laughed at you. - I wish I could go back in time and never start using, and I also wish I had never learned how to shake a bottle. I never thought anything I loved so much could cause so much misery, but I was wrong. Farewell, Crystal; I hope I never have the misfortune of meeting you again.